Two months ago today, I was watching Beyoncé and Jay-Z perform at SDCCU Stadium. At one point in the show, things started taking a much slower, personal direction. Bey began to sing “Resentment”, and I honestly wasn’t ready.
I wasn’t ready for her to sing the lyrics
“I gotta look at her in her eyes and sees she’s not half of me. She ain’t even half of me. That b*tch will never be me.”
It took me two months to realize I may never be able to describe to everyone exactly how I felt in that moment, but the two words that can come close to helping me convey my feelings are comforted and validated. Although I don’t have to share every thought that appears in my mind, I knew that it was time to share with you guys what went through my head during that song. I’m not the best with words either, so please bear with me.
Before we dive any deeper into this, I need to make this clear – I’m a VERY extroverted, enthusiastic individual. I’m extremely detail oriented – if I’m working on a project and one teeny tiny thing is off, I will NOT stop until it has been perfected. Remember that time Kanye West completely scrapped his album and started over? That’s me. I’m a “goal digger” if you will. If you’ve known me before I even started this blog, you know this is especially true. You know that one personality test people take their freshmen year of college? My results were ESTJ.
I’ve always struggled making friends. I’ve been the subject of bullying for as long as I can remember. Most of my friendships have been formed either at concerts or online, and that’s cool! People also come and go, as you know. While I’m a very forgiving person, the past year or so I’ve felt like I’ve been going through friends faster than I go through phone charging cables. Loosing people has always been a fear of mine, but sometimes it’s inevitable. Sometimes it’s also inevitable to have things end on bad terms. No matter what, I’ve never resented being friends with someone. A lesson has always been learned, even within the most toxic of my friendships.
I don’t resent other people, I resent myself.
[At this point in the post, my readability/SEO tool is saying CHELS, THIS POST SUX, STOP USING “I” AND “I’VE” SO MUCH. I don’t care lol.] I’ve asked myself God knows how many times, “why can’t I be like other people and just not care so much about everything?” Seriously. Why do I have to put an insane amount of effort into things when no one else is going to care or prove to me that they do? I’m asexual and aromantic, so I don’t know what it means to “be in love” or anything like that. I guess that energy gets channeled towards friendships. Why do I care so much about people and their situations and value them when they’ve shown me they don’t value me as much in return, especially when other people that haven’t shown much respect towards me come into the picture? Does anyone actually support me and my projects and my career path?
I feel alone and I can’t help it. There’s not a single “YOU GOT THIS BABE” post on IG that can motivate me. Speaking of Instagram, numbers can really define who we are on there. Heh… what an understatement. I was new to the “blogger” side of the site, and was searching through hashtags and was naturally feeling excluded. I felt like none of these girls with their desaturated photos and blogs with cursive fonts and very light colors would want me rolling with them. It might have been true or not, but the absolute truth was I wasn’t playing the numbers game like I should have. Once I learned about pods, bots, etc. I really began to realize that things weren’t as hopeless as I thought they were. People will accept me if I make them. But that whole story is tea for a different day. The point of me even bringing this up is that for us internet kids, 99% of the time numbers = validation.
WE ALL NEED VALIDATION. I might get labeled conceited for saying this, but I’m not afraid to admit it.
We all need people to tell us we’re doing a good job when we are. We need to be reminded that we are loved. That we are valued as friends, family members, coworkers, members of society, etc. It really does feel exhausting when you repeatedly give something your all and you rarely know what other people truly think of it.
So on September 27, I went to see Beyoncé. I won tickets off the radio, but once I was inside the venue I decided to purchase floor seats and give the tickets I had won to someone sitting in one of the last rows on the top level of the stadium. I was insanely close to the king and queen, and so many different emotions were going through my body. When Jay performed “Big Pimpin”, I felt like a champion. I felt like I made it. But when Bey did “Resentment”… I felt like she was singing to ME and telling me I was going to be okay. These people who have made fun of me, pushed me away, underestimate my power and my abilities, make me feel like my efforts don’t matter – yeah, I’ll have to keep looking them in the eyes. I won’t be able to avoid contact with them, but they will NEVER be me. They’ll never come close to being on my level.
Never. Ever. Ever.
That chic who stared me down and looked like she was about to have a meltdown when she saw me walking in her general direction at a concert will NEVER be me. The people who were throwing shade at me because I met an artist they really liked will NEVER be me. That chic with the perfect blowout that got invited to the Revolve party over the weekend and is getting high engagement on her Instagram pictures of her holding a glass of wine that gave me the dirty look when I walked into the coffee shop will NEVER be me.
She ain’t even half of me. And that b*tch will never be me.
Thank you Beyoncé.
